I realized something today... I learned something about myself that will change me for the rest of my life... I finally understand why I am the way I am... I am not afraid of love... I am afraid of having my heart broken.
So now that I have figured this out, what do I do? Where do I go from here?
I'm so tired of crying... when will the tears stop flowing down my face? These sleepless nights of wondering why just aren't fair. After all, I have done nothing. I feel as if I am being punished or if a curse is placed upon me...
I want to feel the satisfaction of unconditional love so badly I could almost taste it. But I love myself too much to accept just anything... I must demand only the best... only true love. Love that cause drama or is possessive. No, I require a pure love... filled with trust, honesty and respect.
I desire this love... but I am not desperate for it.
Monday, July 16, 2007
What kind of girl am I...
So the question was asked to me… “What kind of girl am I?” So here we go…
I am the kind of girl who…
… quotes her favorite movies during regular conversations.
… use to be scared of love.
… knows the location of most malls from Miami to Maine.
… thinks about her son almost each and every minute of everyday.
… is so organized I became anal.
… thinks height, light eyes & a big heart is sexy.
… flips through magazines for the pictures.
… can save money like seatbelts save lives.
… loves to cook & loves to invent new creations.
… loves to read peoples blog but hates reading books.
… could write the entire day if I could.
… observes everything.
… holds anger back until it’s too late.
… helps elderly people at all times.
… cannot remember names.
… will love you unconditionally if you do not hurt me.
… use to cry myself to sleep almost every night, until recently.
… will make a dollar out of 15 cents.
… will tell someone what they need to hear to make them smile.
… loves roller coaster.
… gives people too much credit.
… enjoys nature’s beauty.
… over thinks at times.
… is insecure.
… is terrified of parrots, and most other birds.
… wishes on shooting stars.
… your mother warned you about… Just kidding. I was just seeing if you were still with me.
… loves to work.
… loves to play video games & could beat most guys at Madden.
… likes getting dirty. (Get your mind out of the gutter)
… enjoys fishing… but won’t touch live bait.
… loves comedies & hates romance. (movies)
… doesn’t eat fruit, except for strawberries & lemons.
… doesn’t drink ANY soda.
… still believes in the “American Dream.”
… wants a Cinderella wedding.
… wants to love & be loved.
So... now that you know what kind of girl I am... Tell me, what kind of girl / guy are you?
I am the kind of girl who…
… quotes her favorite movies during regular conversations.
… use to be scared of love.
… knows the location of most malls from Miami to Maine.
… thinks about her son almost each and every minute of everyday.
… is so organized I became anal.
… thinks height, light eyes & a big heart is sexy.
… flips through magazines for the pictures.
… can save money like seatbelts save lives.
… loves to cook & loves to invent new creations.
… loves to read peoples blog but hates reading books.
… could write the entire day if I could.
… observes everything.
… holds anger back until it’s too late.
… helps elderly people at all times.
… cannot remember names.
… will love you unconditionally if you do not hurt me.
… use to cry myself to sleep almost every night, until recently.
… will make a dollar out of 15 cents.
… will tell someone what they need to hear to make them smile.
… loves roller coaster.
… gives people too much credit.
… enjoys nature’s beauty.
… over thinks at times.
… is insecure.
… is terrified of parrots, and most other birds.
… wishes on shooting stars.
… your mother warned you about… Just kidding. I was just seeing if you were still with me.
… loves to work.
… loves to play video games & could beat most guys at Madden.
… likes getting dirty. (Get your mind out of the gutter)
… enjoys fishing… but won’t touch live bait.
… loves comedies & hates romance. (movies)
… doesn’t eat fruit, except for strawberries & lemons.
… doesn’t drink ANY soda.
… still believes in the “American Dream.”
… wants a Cinderella wedding.
… wants to love & be loved.
So... now that you know what kind of girl I am... Tell me, what kind of girl / guy are you?
The beat of a broken heart
Do you ever notice that when you are in love your heart beats a million times per minute... but when you are hurt by the ones you love, it seems to beat a million more? Or what about when you are so in love you feel like your walking on air... but when you get hurt you suddenly cannot breathe?
I once read that the three words needed to hold a relationship together were not "I love you," but infact "I am sorry." I believe that to be true. But then why is it that those words aren't always used? Why are those three words feared so much? Sometimes all that is needed is to hear those words. The three words and then to NEVER do it again. If you do say sorry, and then do it again afterwards, you take the meaning out of the words, and then they become just words.
If you really love someone, and do not want to loose them, and you really honest to GOD are sorry for any wrongs... say the three words that will keep your love alive. Say, "I am sorry." And more than that, be sure you do not do it again.
I once read that the three words needed to hold a relationship together were not "I love you," but infact "I am sorry." I believe that to be true. But then why is it that those words aren't always used? Why are those three words feared so much? Sometimes all that is needed is to hear those words. The three words and then to NEVER do it again. If you do say sorry, and then do it again afterwards, you take the meaning out of the words, and then they become just words.
If you really love someone, and do not want to loose them, and you really honest to GOD are sorry for any wrongs... say the three words that will keep your love alive. Say, "I am sorry." And more than that, be sure you do not do it again.
Death
Death comes in all shapes and sizes... sometimes you don't have to be physically dead to be dead inside.
The cold feeling in the pit of my stomach is quickly traveling through my heart... it feels as if it is going to splurge out of my mouth if I let out a cry. I try to hold it back with all my force... but the cold feeling is stronger than my mentality. It is consuming my heart, mind, and soul at an unexplained speed. When will it end?
I don't want to be here... yet I don't have anywhere to go. How can I run from this feeling that is deep within me? My heart is now fully consumed. My mind is almost gone. And my soul... I cannot even feel it.
I'm drowning... I cannot breathe. It has taken over me. My thoughts have gone completely dark... there is no sign of light. My calls are going unanswered.
What felt like heaven, has now turned to my hell... More than wanting, I NEED to be saved.
The cold feeling in the pit of my stomach is quickly traveling through my heart... it feels as if it is going to splurge out of my mouth if I let out a cry. I try to hold it back with all my force... but the cold feeling is stronger than my mentality. It is consuming my heart, mind, and soul at an unexplained speed. When will it end?
I don't want to be here... yet I don't have anywhere to go. How can I run from this feeling that is deep within me? My heart is now fully consumed. My mind is almost gone. And my soul... I cannot even feel it.
I'm drowning... I cannot breathe. It has taken over me. My thoughts have gone completely dark... there is no sign of light. My calls are going unanswered.
What felt like heaven, has now turned to my hell... More than wanting, I NEED to be saved.
Love is...
Love is an unbelievably strong force… so strong that it cannot be controlled. When your heart wants to love… you have no control. It’s just the way it is. I said plenty of times I wouldn’t love again. And for a longtime, I stood true to that. But then the ole’ ticker went soft on me… and as he came in, my love poured out. Strange as it may be to me still, I do not fully understand this emotion. But it feels great… and I have no complaints. Scared? Of course… who wouldn’t be having gone through what I have. But with this unexplained trust, I continue forward.
I said in a much earlier blog, that real love couldn’t be replaced. I stand true to that. I have learned that real love does not try to replace another love… it works together as one. A man must truly love and respect me to offer that to me. And for that gift, I am grateful and I thank you.
Love makes me feel like you are only in the other room, when you are really a million miles away. Love puts pep in my step, and a smile on my face. I welcome it with my arms open. Whether this love last for a season, or hopefully an eternity, I am forever blessed for having the opportunity to experience it. Have you loved today?
I said in a much earlier blog, that real love couldn’t be replaced. I stand true to that. I have learned that real love does not try to replace another love… it works together as one. A man must truly love and respect me to offer that to me. And for that gift, I am grateful and I thank you.
Love makes me feel like you are only in the other room, when you are really a million miles away. Love puts pep in my step, and a smile on my face. I welcome it with my arms open. Whether this love last for a season, or hopefully an eternity, I am forever blessed for having the opportunity to experience it. Have you loved today?
Scales Of Friendship...
Share with me, and I will share with you.
Respect me, and I shall respect you.
Love me, and I will love to love you.But hurt me, and I will be hurt.
Respect me, and I shall respect you.
Love me, and I will love to love you.But hurt me, and I will be hurt.
Life through my eyes...
From the time I began kindergarten, and even still now as a young adult… I have heard people say, “Life is and always will be what we make of it.” I never quite put any thought into it, until now. I know it is only 4 days into the new year, but it has been a great 4 days. I am looking at my life so differently now… I am happy. It use to be that only Isaac could make me happy… now I am happy because I am here, with all these amazing blessings around me. I feel as if I just work up from a 5-year sleep. My stress lifted off of me with the start of the New Year and I plan to keep it away. After all, there is nothing a little rest & relaxation can’t cure. I have a feeling of confidence within me… it’s a great feeling.
Want to know what is even a better feeling? The feeling that your family provides to you… it is so many things all bunched together in one great feeling. While it does provide the feeling of confidence, it also provides the feeling of belonging, love, respect and so much more. A person does not have to be born into or married into your life to be considered family. Sometimes a good friend can become great family. I am grateful for the family I have… the family I was born to, as well as the family that grew into my life.
I feel kind of “fruitish” being all sentimental, but this is how I feel right now. I wonder how long this will last? Oh, well… I’m going to enjoy it while I can.
On another positive note… I taught my son how to use variable numbers in math and how a number to the 2nd exponent works. He is only 7 and in 2nd grade and is doing work out of my pre-algebra book… let us all remember that usually isn’t taught until middle school. He loves math, he asked me last night if I can teach him a different type of math each night… I’m sorry to have to tell him this but I can only do this for a few more weeks… MOMMY ISN’T TOO GOOD AT MATH!
I’m just so proud of my lil’ man… he is really growing up into a fine young man. He is so caring, thoughtful and full of love. He is special… more than just a blessing, he is a godsend. He is beginning to look so much like his father. I find myself staring at him in amazement almost everyday to think how much he has grown into him.
I have not yet gotten over the loss, it is something I just cannot make myself accept, but I am on my way to dealing with it better. He is someone I will never forget, and never want to forget... he is more to me than being the father of my child, he is a part of me. But, I do want to get to the point where I do not break down at the very thought of him being gone. I miss him so much... I am grateful for the bond he and I continue to share. My son's father taught me a lot about life, a lot about myself and even more about being a strong parent. He provides me with a sense of being... a sense of strength. Last night, when I felt alone... he gave me the feeling of comfort.
Love is patient, love is kind... love is ever-lasting. I do not believe in "until death do us part," because not even death could seperate us. I love you Meek.
Want to know what is even a better feeling? The feeling that your family provides to you… it is so many things all bunched together in one great feeling. While it does provide the feeling of confidence, it also provides the feeling of belonging, love, respect and so much more. A person does not have to be born into or married into your life to be considered family. Sometimes a good friend can become great family. I am grateful for the family I have… the family I was born to, as well as the family that grew into my life.
I feel kind of “fruitish” being all sentimental, but this is how I feel right now. I wonder how long this will last? Oh, well… I’m going to enjoy it while I can.
On another positive note… I taught my son how to use variable numbers in math and how a number to the 2nd exponent works. He is only 7 and in 2nd grade and is doing work out of my pre-algebra book… let us all remember that usually isn’t taught until middle school. He loves math, he asked me last night if I can teach him a different type of math each night… I’m sorry to have to tell him this but I can only do this for a few more weeks… MOMMY ISN’T TOO GOOD AT MATH!
I’m just so proud of my lil’ man… he is really growing up into a fine young man. He is so caring, thoughtful and full of love. He is special… more than just a blessing, he is a godsend. He is beginning to look so much like his father. I find myself staring at him in amazement almost everyday to think how much he has grown into him.
I have not yet gotten over the loss, it is something I just cannot make myself accept, but I am on my way to dealing with it better. He is someone I will never forget, and never want to forget... he is more to me than being the father of my child, he is a part of me. But, I do want to get to the point where I do not break down at the very thought of him being gone. I miss him so much... I am grateful for the bond he and I continue to share. My son's father taught me a lot about life, a lot about myself and even more about being a strong parent. He provides me with a sense of being... a sense of strength. Last night, when I felt alone... he gave me the feeling of comfort.
Love is patient, love is kind... love is ever-lasting. I do not believe in "until death do us part," because not even death could seperate us. I love you Meek.
Fake, Flaw & Everything in Between...
You shine like a flawless diamond… but you aren’t worth a damn. To the untrained eye, you’re an honest person… but only deceitful lies flow from your lips. You claim you are an up-front person who doesn’t speak poorly behind anyone’s back… but you two-faced.
Stop smiling in my face… while talking behind my back. When will you see that anything you say about me will come right back to me. And on the same note… aren’t you a bit too old for this middle school aged game?
Stop pretending like you want to help me… while plotting my departure. When will you see that you cannot get rid of me? And on the same note… aren’t you getting a bit tired of wasting your time on something you cannot accomplish?
Be aware, be warned and be careful… I might not be as book smart as you, but I am far more street smart than you… and around here… street smarts gets you a lot further. You cannot rid of me… and you damn sure cannot turn me away with your vicious, yet petty lies and deceit. Think carefully… and remember whom you are dealing with… I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. And for your sake, better yet, for everyone’s sake… let’s hope you don’t quite make it to “worst enemy” status. As much as you have been through in your so-called “rough” life… you haven’t been through anything as extreme as have Lauren as your enemy. Enter this battlefield at your own risk… I will call the morgue and make you a reservation.
Cubic Zirconium (YOU) - Appears real to those who do not get too close... appear flawless to most people... But in reality, You are nothing more than a cheap knock-off.
Diamond (ME) - Natural, pure... and I don't need to be flawless to be beautiful... often replicated, but never duplicated. Try as you might... you can never be me, nor amount to what I am.
Stop smiling in my face… while talking behind my back. When will you see that anything you say about me will come right back to me. And on the same note… aren’t you a bit too old for this middle school aged game?
Stop pretending like you want to help me… while plotting my departure. When will you see that you cannot get rid of me? And on the same note… aren’t you getting a bit tired of wasting your time on something you cannot accomplish?
Be aware, be warned and be careful… I might not be as book smart as you, but I am far more street smart than you… and around here… street smarts gets you a lot further. You cannot rid of me… and you damn sure cannot turn me away with your vicious, yet petty lies and deceit. Think carefully… and remember whom you are dealing with… I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. And for your sake, better yet, for everyone’s sake… let’s hope you don’t quite make it to “worst enemy” status. As much as you have been through in your so-called “rough” life… you haven’t been through anything as extreme as have Lauren as your enemy. Enter this battlefield at your own risk… I will call the morgue and make you a reservation.
Cubic Zirconium (YOU) - Appears real to those who do not get too close... appear flawless to most people... But in reality, You are nothing more than a cheap knock-off.
Diamond (ME) - Natural, pure... and I don't need to be flawless to be beautiful... often replicated, but never duplicated. Try as you might... you can never be me, nor amount to what I am.
checkers vs chess
Checkers Vs. Chess
Checkers is a game played but both young and old. It is a recreational game usually played to “kill free time.” You don’t have to put much thought into it to play. Usually, no matter if you win or loose, it is still fun. You can always look back and laugh about how each player hopped around the board, chasing each other then running from one another. It is a game of chance.
Chess on the other hand, is not a game of chance. It is based entirely on tactics and strategy. Chess is so complex, that not even the best players can foresee all of the events that may occur. Wikipedia describes chess strategy as being a sequence of moves, often memorized, which will help a player build up their position and prepare for the middlegame. Typically when you look back at the game you have played and lost, you regret certain moves that you may have made… not much laughter occurs when you loose. However, when you win, it gives the feeling of fullfilment. Some chess games take a very short time to play, while others are never finished… each move is so carefully planned, that the game can last an eternity. Wether you win or loose while playing chess, you absorb some of the knowledge of the game that you picked up, and use it to form an even stronger game next time around.
There comes a time in each of our lives, where we have to stop playing checkers, and start playing chess. Now, it’s acceptable & understandable to revert to checkers every now and then, just make sure to do it consciously for the right reasons.
During the rise of 2006, I put away my checkerboard, and slowly stacked away each piece, carefully placing them in a safe, yet easy to reach place, just in case I need to pull them back out at a further time. Soon there after, I began to pull out the chess set… now it is time to strategically place each piece out on the board. I now have set my goals and mapped out my game plan. I am ready to move forward.
I started this year off with a new mindset, and so far, I have stuck with it. I have gotten irritated a couple of times, but quickly let it go… they are hardly worth my time. I am really enjoying this new positive, forward moving attitude I have gained. It is a mental blessing to be able to separate what is important from what isn’t. And to be honest, most of what bothered me before wasn’t worth it at all.
Since the rise of 2006, I have ran into several old friends… and each of the “4” guys had close to the same thing to say to me. The first is someone who had a chance, but jacked it up. We didn’t start anything because he was still “playing checkers.” He told me he regretted not doing the right thing when I allowed him the opportunity to show me he was a good man. The second one told me he wishes he took the opportunity to be with me when he had a chance (he thinks he had a chance, Ha.) The third one questioned me on why I never gave him a chance because he is a really good guy and wanted to treat me very well. And, I do believe he would have. Then came the forth, the one who has given me both sunshine and rain… we sat there and questioned each other… Why this? Why that? But all and all… I am still alone. Not only can they not figure out why, but neither can I. At times I feel it is easier, but other times it is much harder. Why be so stubborn to give anyone a chance? I want to love and to be loved… but I think maybe I am waiting for someone to show me love first so I know it is okay to take that chance. As much as a try to protect my heart, it seems as if I am slowly breaking it myself by denying it of what it desires… Love.
How do I know when to put my guard down and allow love to enter? How do I know if he is the one? What if my protective nature, causes me to loose the one that I was meant to be with? There are no answers to the questions above. Empty questions make empty answers, which lead to empty choices... causing loveless relationships. My life has now advanced to chess… I need to make careful and conscience decisions for both my son, and myself. I would be grateful to find my chess partner, as long as they are not still playing checkers.
Checkers is a game played but both young and old. It is a recreational game usually played to “kill free time.” You don’t have to put much thought into it to play. Usually, no matter if you win or loose, it is still fun. You can always look back and laugh about how each player hopped around the board, chasing each other then running from one another. It is a game of chance.
Chess on the other hand, is not a game of chance. It is based entirely on tactics and strategy. Chess is so complex, that not even the best players can foresee all of the events that may occur. Wikipedia describes chess strategy as being a sequence of moves, often memorized, which will help a player build up their position and prepare for the middlegame. Typically when you look back at the game you have played and lost, you regret certain moves that you may have made… not much laughter occurs when you loose. However, when you win, it gives the feeling of fullfilment. Some chess games take a very short time to play, while others are never finished… each move is so carefully planned, that the game can last an eternity. Wether you win or loose while playing chess, you absorb some of the knowledge of the game that you picked up, and use it to form an even stronger game next time around.
There comes a time in each of our lives, where we have to stop playing checkers, and start playing chess. Now, it’s acceptable & understandable to revert to checkers every now and then, just make sure to do it consciously for the right reasons.
During the rise of 2006, I put away my checkerboard, and slowly stacked away each piece, carefully placing them in a safe, yet easy to reach place, just in case I need to pull them back out at a further time. Soon there after, I began to pull out the chess set… now it is time to strategically place each piece out on the board. I now have set my goals and mapped out my game plan. I am ready to move forward.
I started this year off with a new mindset, and so far, I have stuck with it. I have gotten irritated a couple of times, but quickly let it go… they are hardly worth my time. I am really enjoying this new positive, forward moving attitude I have gained. It is a mental blessing to be able to separate what is important from what isn’t. And to be honest, most of what bothered me before wasn’t worth it at all.
Since the rise of 2006, I have ran into several old friends… and each of the “4” guys had close to the same thing to say to me. The first is someone who had a chance, but jacked it up. We didn’t start anything because he was still “playing checkers.” He told me he regretted not doing the right thing when I allowed him the opportunity to show me he was a good man. The second one told me he wishes he took the opportunity to be with me when he had a chance (he thinks he had a chance, Ha.) The third one questioned me on why I never gave him a chance because he is a really good guy and wanted to treat me very well. And, I do believe he would have. Then came the forth, the one who has given me both sunshine and rain… we sat there and questioned each other… Why this? Why that? But all and all… I am still alone. Not only can they not figure out why, but neither can I. At times I feel it is easier, but other times it is much harder. Why be so stubborn to give anyone a chance? I want to love and to be loved… but I think maybe I am waiting for someone to show me love first so I know it is okay to take that chance. As much as a try to protect my heart, it seems as if I am slowly breaking it myself by denying it of what it desires… Love.
How do I know when to put my guard down and allow love to enter? How do I know if he is the one? What if my protective nature, causes me to loose the one that I was meant to be with? There are no answers to the questions above. Empty questions make empty answers, which lead to empty choices... causing loveless relationships. My life has now advanced to chess… I need to make careful and conscience decisions for both my son, and myself. I would be grateful to find my chess partner, as long as they are not still playing checkers.
Plagued past
Plagued Past
Countless fears, keeping me at bay…
tormenting me like a vicious game
Pointless days, wasting away…
on worthless shameless blames
Sleepless nights, filled with voiceless cries…
steal sanity from my life
Emotional pain, running through my veins…
takes away, from my glory days
Countless fears, keeping me at bay…
tormenting me like a vicious game
Pointless days, wasting away…
on worthless shameless blames
Sleepless nights, filled with voiceless cries…
steal sanity from my life
Emotional pain, running through my veins…
takes away, from my glory days
A pawn to his evil intentions
A Pawn To His Evil Intentions...
He held the dagger of betrayal above me aiming towards my heart, taunting me with it. He was very well aware of the power he possessed over me. He knew just how fragile my heart was, because he in fact was the cause of my brittle heart. He carefully chooses which of my painful memories to use against me to weaken me. He was winning this brutal battle of what I once thought was love. Taking every painful stab at me, one after the next.
My life quickly became a game of chess to him. Each and every one of his malicious steps was calculated. He allowed me to build up strength every once and while, but made sure I did not build up too much… in other words, he made sure I sometimes built up enough to fight him, but never enough to win. He did this to make believe it was safe to bring pieces of me out. But then callously, he took piece by piece, slowly creeping across the board (my life). Each piece he deceitfully took from me represented a different part of who I am. The rook represented my friendship, the knight represented my feelings, the bishop represented my faith, and the queen, as my heart. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of this “game” we were playing, so I was not protecting my “king.” The king represented my soul, the very depth of what makes me who I am. And for a brief moment, he almost had me in checkmate.
Suddenly, I was wrapped warmly in a moment of clarity. My eyes were opened wide to not only see, but understand the truth. For so long, I had tortured my own mind, trying to figure out WHY he was doing this to me. During the moment of clarity, the answer was there before my eyes. I was dismayed.
He was no longer fighting to receive my love… he was fighting so no one else would. He knew he could not have back what he had lost. He knows that I for one, believe in love, trust and honor… and he, at his own will striped those qualities from himself in my eyes. He was in fact, tortured himself, because it was gone from him, and he was the cause of it.
But how could a person be so viscous, so cruel, and so heartless to the point where they purposely attempt to destroy another person’s heart, just because they cannot have it themselves? The attempting to destroy me was only so that he may receive a personal guarantee that I would not be able to love another.
For so long, it had worked to his benefit… in fact, evidence proves that it very well might be working still… I am apprehensive about love and afraid to trust. To love is to trust… and to trust is to love. If I cannot trust, does that mean I cannot love? And if I am timid to feel love, does that mean I cannot trust? I want to love & be loved, but it is unattainable for me to experience true romantic love?
He held the dagger of betrayal above me aiming towards my heart, taunting me with it. He was very well aware of the power he possessed over me. He knew just how fragile my heart was, because he in fact was the cause of my brittle heart. He carefully chooses which of my painful memories to use against me to weaken me. He was winning this brutal battle of what I once thought was love. Taking every painful stab at me, one after the next.
My life quickly became a game of chess to him. Each and every one of his malicious steps was calculated. He allowed me to build up strength every once and while, but made sure I did not build up too much… in other words, he made sure I sometimes built up enough to fight him, but never enough to win. He did this to make believe it was safe to bring pieces of me out. But then callously, he took piece by piece, slowly creeping across the board (my life). Each piece he deceitfully took from me represented a different part of who I am. The rook represented my friendship, the knight represented my feelings, the bishop represented my faith, and the queen, as my heart. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of this “game” we were playing, so I was not protecting my “king.” The king represented my soul, the very depth of what makes me who I am. And for a brief moment, he almost had me in checkmate.
Suddenly, I was wrapped warmly in a moment of clarity. My eyes were opened wide to not only see, but understand the truth. For so long, I had tortured my own mind, trying to figure out WHY he was doing this to me. During the moment of clarity, the answer was there before my eyes. I was dismayed.
He was no longer fighting to receive my love… he was fighting so no one else would. He knew he could not have back what he had lost. He knows that I for one, believe in love, trust and honor… and he, at his own will striped those qualities from himself in my eyes. He was in fact, tortured himself, because it was gone from him, and he was the cause of it.
But how could a person be so viscous, so cruel, and so heartless to the point where they purposely attempt to destroy another person’s heart, just because they cannot have it themselves? The attempting to destroy me was only so that he may receive a personal guarantee that I would not be able to love another.
For so long, it had worked to his benefit… in fact, evidence proves that it very well might be working still… I am apprehensive about love and afraid to trust. To love is to trust… and to trust is to love. If I cannot trust, does that mean I cannot love? And if I am timid to feel love, does that mean I cannot trust? I want to love & be loved, but it is unattainable for me to experience true romantic love?
Touch me in my sacred spot
Touch me in my sacred spot...
Touch me where others cannot… tease me in that place where I become light headed and confused… stimulate me where others have not yet been able to… make love to my mind. Show me this world of ecstasy and I will show you a world of uncharted waters.
How often do you hear a person say they can take you there… but they don’t have a map or a clue? How often do you hear a person boast that they know what women / or men want… but the don’t know what they want themselves?
Impress me with your mind; caress my soul with yours; tell me you love me without speaking a word.
Mental Stimulation is much more than just the way to my heart, respect, and unconditional friendship.
Mental stimulation keeps our minds sharp and agile. In young children it helps stimulate mental growth and in the elderly is has been known to keep Alzheimer’s away. So if it is used in young children and then once again in elders, why is it that somewhere in between it is neglected in most people? Are testosterones and estrogens (sexual hormones) that powerful that they somehow take over a supple amount of the mind?
The art of asking and answering questions is a key factor to mental stimulation. Believe it or not, not everyone has the ability to do so. Being able to answer a question intellectualy is a gift. Have you ever heard a person say that is a stupid question? Well, that is a stupid statement. There are plenty of “stupid” questions asked daily. I even ask some stupid questions from time to time… for instance, why do the socks in Wal-mart come in a re-sealable bag? Will they go bad in 10 days if you don’t keep them air tight? Do they expect people to maybe reuse the bags for sandwiches? See, it appears to be a stupid question for the fact that the answer makes no difference, but the question makes us think of possible answers and additional questions, thus forcing us to think… therefore, stimulating our minds. If a man were to approach a group of people, myself included, and ask that same question, the majority of the group would laugh it off or just ignore him. Me, on the other hand, might joke about it at first, yet be impressed that he is using his mind in such a way that he is asking “why” even if the answer or reason does not affect himself in anyway.
Getting back to where I began… a question was asked to me… “What do I get out of bed for / what am I thankful for?” Being that I am on a new chapter in my book of life… I get out of bed for many reasons. Of course first and foremost, to see my son. To look outside in the early morning and catch a glimpse at the sun rising. To look up into the heavens and thank GOD he gave me another day to enjoy this earth. That I can speak to my son’s father and he can speak to me without using words and continue to feel his unspoken love. That I have a job that I do not dread coming to each morning. That I have my parents here with me to support my decisions good or bad. That I have the ability to make changes in my life if needed. That I have a circle of friends who also act as my support group. There is not even enough time in the day, days in the week, weeks in a month, or months in a year to find the time to be able to finish this list.
Step outside sometime today, and open your eyes to the world around you. Look at mother nature, and thank her for her beauty. We are living, we are alive, and so is the world around us… let us all appreciate this gift.
Touch me where others cannot… tease me in that place where I become light headed and confused… stimulate me where others have not yet been able to… make love to my mind. Show me this world of ecstasy and I will show you a world of uncharted waters.
How often do you hear a person say they can take you there… but they don’t have a map or a clue? How often do you hear a person boast that they know what women / or men want… but the don’t know what they want themselves?
Impress me with your mind; caress my soul with yours; tell me you love me without speaking a word.
Mental Stimulation is much more than just the way to my heart, respect, and unconditional friendship.
Mental stimulation keeps our minds sharp and agile. In young children it helps stimulate mental growth and in the elderly is has been known to keep Alzheimer’s away. So if it is used in young children and then once again in elders, why is it that somewhere in between it is neglected in most people? Are testosterones and estrogens (sexual hormones) that powerful that they somehow take over a supple amount of the mind?
The art of asking and answering questions is a key factor to mental stimulation. Believe it or not, not everyone has the ability to do so. Being able to answer a question intellectualy is a gift. Have you ever heard a person say that is a stupid question? Well, that is a stupid statement. There are plenty of “stupid” questions asked daily. I even ask some stupid questions from time to time… for instance, why do the socks in Wal-mart come in a re-sealable bag? Will they go bad in 10 days if you don’t keep them air tight? Do they expect people to maybe reuse the bags for sandwiches? See, it appears to be a stupid question for the fact that the answer makes no difference, but the question makes us think of possible answers and additional questions, thus forcing us to think… therefore, stimulating our minds. If a man were to approach a group of people, myself included, and ask that same question, the majority of the group would laugh it off or just ignore him. Me, on the other hand, might joke about it at first, yet be impressed that he is using his mind in such a way that he is asking “why” even if the answer or reason does not affect himself in anyway.
Getting back to where I began… a question was asked to me… “What do I get out of bed for / what am I thankful for?” Being that I am on a new chapter in my book of life… I get out of bed for many reasons. Of course first and foremost, to see my son. To look outside in the early morning and catch a glimpse at the sun rising. To look up into the heavens and thank GOD he gave me another day to enjoy this earth. That I can speak to my son’s father and he can speak to me without using words and continue to feel his unspoken love. That I have a job that I do not dread coming to each morning. That I have my parents here with me to support my decisions good or bad. That I have the ability to make changes in my life if needed. That I have a circle of friends who also act as my support group. There is not even enough time in the day, days in the week, weeks in a month, or months in a year to find the time to be able to finish this list.
Step outside sometime today, and open your eyes to the world around you. Look at mother nature, and thank her for her beauty. We are living, we are alive, and so is the world around us… let us all appreciate this gift.
Love at first sight
Love at first sight...
The moment I opened my eyes, and gazed into yours, it was love at first sight. An unexplainable, unconditional love, like no other. A love so deep and so pure, nothing on this earth could separate it. A love that forces one to become aware of their self worth & reason for being. So strong, that when thought about, tears of joy fill up in the wells of my eyes… And for that, I thank you.
After all these years we have now spent together, my love has grown stronger for you with each passing day. “I love you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.”
You made everything make sense. You gave my life meaning. You gave me hope. You make each day brighter. You give all negativities a silver lining. You show me a better way… and for that, I thank you.
It is a scary thought for me, to think where I might be today, if you hadn’t come into my life… would I even be here at all? Would I be sane? Would I be grateful? It is an all too scary thought. But it is a thought I do not have to think about… because you are here & have showed me the light. For the love I have for you, and did not want to loose, I asked for forgiveness for my wrongs… I made changes to see a better day... And for that, I thank you.
You have so many gifts… blessed is an understatement. From your smile that could warm up the coldest day, to your visions that can make a grown man see. You possess gifts that will take you further in life than eyes can see. You give the word “love” an image. You give the word “dream” hope. You give me all of that and more… and for that, I thank you.
Unconditional love, you have shown to me... Eternal happiness, you have given to me... A rightous path, you have guided me... And for this, I love you with all of my heart.
The moment I opened my eyes, and gazed into yours, it was love at first sight. An unexplainable, unconditional love, like no other. A love so deep and so pure, nothing on this earth could separate it. A love that forces one to become aware of their self worth & reason for being. So strong, that when thought about, tears of joy fill up in the wells of my eyes… And for that, I thank you.
After all these years we have now spent together, my love has grown stronger for you with each passing day. “I love you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.”
You made everything make sense. You gave my life meaning. You gave me hope. You make each day brighter. You give all negativities a silver lining. You show me a better way… and for that, I thank you.
It is a scary thought for me, to think where I might be today, if you hadn’t come into my life… would I even be here at all? Would I be sane? Would I be grateful? It is an all too scary thought. But it is a thought I do not have to think about… because you are here & have showed me the light. For the love I have for you, and did not want to loose, I asked for forgiveness for my wrongs… I made changes to see a better day... And for that, I thank you.
You have so many gifts… blessed is an understatement. From your smile that could warm up the coldest day, to your visions that can make a grown man see. You possess gifts that will take you further in life than eyes can see. You give the word “love” an image. You give the word “dream” hope. You give me all of that and more… and for that, I thank you.
Unconditional love, you have shown to me... Eternal happiness, you have given to me... A rightous path, you have guided me... And for this, I love you with all of my heart.
What love is not
What love is not...
What is it that you want from me? Do you get that much from my misery? Why is it that you want to see my heart bleed? You're infectious to my soul like a fatel disease. Everytime you speak I pray you will soon leave. The very thought of you makea me want to scream.
You only smiled when I cried, I never saw you happier then when he died. I took that loss that hurts like hell, You felt joy because you thought I fell. I wasted away so many years crying, Each day with you made me feel like I was dying. A day spent with you felt like a pointless year, Filled with pain, and lies, and so many tears. You are not a man, you have no heart, I'm so glad we grew so far apart. Your heart is cold through & through, I'm so rejoiced, that I am rid of you.
What is it that you want from me? Do you get that much from my misery? Why is it that you want to see my heart bleed? You're infectious to my soul like a fatel disease. Everytime you speak I pray you will soon leave. The very thought of you makea me want to scream.
You only smiled when I cried, I never saw you happier then when he died. I took that loss that hurts like hell, You felt joy because you thought I fell. I wasted away so many years crying, Each day with you made me feel like I was dying. A day spent with you felt like a pointless year, Filled with pain, and lies, and so many tears. You are not a man, you have no heart, I'm so glad we grew so far apart. Your heart is cold through & through, I'm so rejoiced, that I am rid of you.
Recipe for the future
Recipe for the Future...
Ever wonder what the key ingredients to your future are? Well there are quite a few, in fact, the more I think, the more that come to mind… such as: goals, faith, drive, respect for self and others, patience, and our pasts…
Our pasts play an important role in who we are and what we will become… Even if we are nothing like what we use to be, our pasts still led us here.
Deep within me, lies that place that I often run from. It has been traveling with me for a long time and has no intentions of departing… It holds everything in my life that didn’t go the way I intended it to go. It contains dreams that lost hope, and feelings that lost meaning. It places each tear I cried with a memory. It is where my fears roam free and my pain resides.
Besides the sorrow, it gave me strength, self-worth, and dignity. It has shown me that I am a mother, a lover, a survivor, and so much more. It has taught me to appreciate even the most simple of things in life. It taught me not to let my pride become cockiness. It has made me into the respectable young woman and proud mother I am today.
I am constantly growing because of it… graciously, it allows me to learn from it, and I am grateful for that. It continues to push me to steadily rise to the top, like cream. Through the good, the bad and everywhere in between, it has been with me, building a path for me to follow, one “brick” at a time. I will appreciate it now while I may still use it, because one day it might not be available to me. I will teach my son & others willing to listen with it, as a tool to see what I already have. It has made me who I am today. I will not leave my past behind me.
Ever wonder what the key ingredients to your future are? Well there are quite a few, in fact, the more I think, the more that come to mind… such as: goals, faith, drive, respect for self and others, patience, and our pasts…
Our pasts play an important role in who we are and what we will become… Even if we are nothing like what we use to be, our pasts still led us here.
Deep within me, lies that place that I often run from. It has been traveling with me for a long time and has no intentions of departing… It holds everything in my life that didn’t go the way I intended it to go. It contains dreams that lost hope, and feelings that lost meaning. It places each tear I cried with a memory. It is where my fears roam free and my pain resides.
Besides the sorrow, it gave me strength, self-worth, and dignity. It has shown me that I am a mother, a lover, a survivor, and so much more. It has taught me to appreciate even the most simple of things in life. It taught me not to let my pride become cockiness. It has made me into the respectable young woman and proud mother I am today.
I am constantly growing because of it… graciously, it allows me to learn from it, and I am grateful for that. It continues to push me to steadily rise to the top, like cream. Through the good, the bad and everywhere in between, it has been with me, building a path for me to follow, one “brick” at a time. I will appreciate it now while I may still use it, because one day it might not be available to me. I will teach my son & others willing to listen with it, as a tool to see what I already have. It has made me who I am today. I will not leave my past behind me.
Killing me softly
I have scars deeply imbedded in my soul. I am battling a silent, but deadly virus, that has defiled and crippled me. I often feel I have reached the point to where I feel I cannot go on any further, where I have no "fight" left in me. It has absorbed my energy, feelings, pride, self-esteem and ability to think clearly. It is ripping through my body showing no mercy, no compassion, and no love. My pain is it's pleasure. My horror is it's happiness. My suffering is it's satisfaction. It feeds off of my unpure feelings. It walks as if it was human. But nothing human could be so cruel.
I shout silent screams for help, as if I was drowning in my own pain and sorrows, gasping for air. It is mentally turning the dagger slowly & sharply, that has pierced through my heart. The pain has become unbearable, hitting me from every angle. Taking shot after shot at me. Hitting me when I am low.
It has stolen memories and memory making events from me. I was told that it will only take from me what I will allow it to. Do I really have the power & strength to stop this madness? I want to stop it so badly. I cannot go on much further with this pressure being placed upon my shoulders holding me down. How do I begin to fight it when it spent so many years destroying me? It purposely took from me the strength I need to stand up to it.
I often try to turn my back and walk away from it. But it follows me, creeping behind me quietly and attacking me once again, at the first sight of a smile. It has gained too much power for me to turn my back against it. It must be faced head on with my head held high. It must know I am not attempting to run from it, but that I willing to fight it and win.
And so I sigh... while I sit here plotting on a victory that I must win to regain my life, it stands before me laughing at the victory it has already won.
I shout silent screams for help, as if I was drowning in my own pain and sorrows, gasping for air. It is mentally turning the dagger slowly & sharply, that has pierced through my heart. The pain has become unbearable, hitting me from every angle. Taking shot after shot at me. Hitting me when I am low.
It has stolen memories and memory making events from me. I was told that it will only take from me what I will allow it to. Do I really have the power & strength to stop this madness? I want to stop it so badly. I cannot go on much further with this pressure being placed upon my shoulders holding me down. How do I begin to fight it when it spent so many years destroying me? It purposely took from me the strength I need to stand up to it.
I often try to turn my back and walk away from it. But it follows me, creeping behind me quietly and attacking me once again, at the first sight of a smile. It has gained too much power for me to turn my back against it. It must be faced head on with my head held high. It must know I am not attempting to run from it, but that I willing to fight it and win.
And so I sigh... while I sit here plotting on a victory that I must win to regain my life, it stands before me laughing at the victory it has already won.
To change is to accept
To change, is to accept...
We gotta make a change... It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes. Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do what we gotta do, to survive. (The late, great Tupac Shakur)
Change is different from one person to the next. Some might realize they are doing something wrong and want to correct it, others might already be doing right but want to do better. Sadly, some might be doing right and feel it is getting them no where, and change for the worse. But for whatever the reason is, it is a change. Without change, we as people would not be where we are today. For half of the population, change is a natural reaction to their surroundings. And for unfortunate other half, stubbornness is deeply rooted within, and to make a change is like trying to squeeze apple juice from a lemon. It's not that we don't want to make a change, it is just challenging for us to do so.
Sometimes what we consider pride, makes it hard to make changes. Pride is the sense of self-respect. It is one of the few natural insticts we have that causes more harm than good. Pride might not be the root of all evil, but it is most definitely one of the branches. Thus why it is noted as being one of the 7 deadly sins. It is stronger than any one man. It causes countrys to battle in war, it causes friends and family to not speak. Not all pride is bad, don't get me wrong. But it takes a very strong minded individual to understand the difference between pride as arrogance and pride as self-respect. Self-respect does not lower the sense of self-respect for others.
A person never choked to death but swallowing their pride, & neither will I. Swallowing our pride is knowing and accepting that a change is needed. I always tell my son to use his fears and weaknesses as tools for strength. I finally feel I am at the point where I can do the same. I accepted faith and the reality of my life as what it is. Perhaps it was time I follow my own motto... It is what it is. This is the hand I was delt, unfair as it may seem to me. It was given to me because he knew I could handle it. By me telling myself and believing that I cannot handle handle it, I doubted him. And thus the reason why it felt to me that my life only got worse. Once you accept, you are freed from your mental burdens. For the first time in years, I can smile for no apparent reason.
It was time I make the necessary CHANGES to move on from my past. I know can cross the bridge to reach my future. I am sure I will revisit my past quite a deal in my life to come. But to know that I do not have to live in it is a blessing.
We do reap what we sow, but not forever. At some point we are forgiven, but I learned that to be forgiven, we must first forgive ourselves.
We gotta make a change... It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes. Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do what we gotta do, to survive. (The late, great Tupac Shakur)
Change is different from one person to the next. Some might realize they are doing something wrong and want to correct it, others might already be doing right but want to do better. Sadly, some might be doing right and feel it is getting them no where, and change for the worse. But for whatever the reason is, it is a change. Without change, we as people would not be where we are today. For half of the population, change is a natural reaction to their surroundings. And for unfortunate other half, stubbornness is deeply rooted within, and to make a change is like trying to squeeze apple juice from a lemon. It's not that we don't want to make a change, it is just challenging for us to do so.
Sometimes what we consider pride, makes it hard to make changes. Pride is the sense of self-respect. It is one of the few natural insticts we have that causes more harm than good. Pride might not be the root of all evil, but it is most definitely one of the branches. Thus why it is noted as being one of the 7 deadly sins. It is stronger than any one man. It causes countrys to battle in war, it causes friends and family to not speak. Not all pride is bad, don't get me wrong. But it takes a very strong minded individual to understand the difference between pride as arrogance and pride as self-respect. Self-respect does not lower the sense of self-respect for others.
A person never choked to death but swallowing their pride, & neither will I. Swallowing our pride is knowing and accepting that a change is needed. I always tell my son to use his fears and weaknesses as tools for strength. I finally feel I am at the point where I can do the same. I accepted faith and the reality of my life as what it is. Perhaps it was time I follow my own motto... It is what it is. This is the hand I was delt, unfair as it may seem to me. It was given to me because he knew I could handle it. By me telling myself and believing that I cannot handle handle it, I doubted him. And thus the reason why it felt to me that my life only got worse. Once you accept, you are freed from your mental burdens. For the first time in years, I can smile for no apparent reason.
It was time I make the necessary CHANGES to move on from my past. I know can cross the bridge to reach my future. I am sure I will revisit my past quite a deal in my life to come. But to know that I do not have to live in it is a blessing.
We do reap what we sow, but not forever. At some point we are forgiven, but I learned that to be forgiven, we must first forgive ourselves.
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